In reflecting on sharing this, I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons I discourage myself from sharing is that it feels like it shows weakness. And Ericksons don't like to be weak or show tears. But I've also realized I'm only human. And I bleed when I fall down...
So with a our farm comes lots and lots of work as many of you are aware. We have goats, chickens and fields and a garden (didn't make it) as well as a house that still needs fixing up. During the summer, the house rarely gets the attention it needs because the outside chores take presidence. I often feel like I can't keep up with all that's going on in my life and that I'm failing in several areas. I thought I felt busy before, but this is that busy times ten. "Imagine you're drowing and someone hands you a baby..."
So Sunday morning of all days, I'm out trying to water the field we just planted. (Sunday is our watering day, the day we get water in our ditch and we are trying to figure our how to not do this on Sunday) We planted our field and then we put furrows in the field so the water can run down. We have gated pipe. So we open these gates and let the water flow down the field. We started digging our the dirt in each furrow, so the water will run down. This can be exhausting work. It doesn't seem to difficult, but after 30 or so furrows, it gets tiring. Meanwhile the kids are playing in the mud that we are creating and with the new puppy, Kippa. Kip for short. (That's what I wanted to call her, Glen's calling her Nippy or Nip)
The kids play in the mud awhile and then seem to disappear from the area while Glen and I do another 30 furrows and check to make sure water is flowing down each one. It is time to get ready for church now, and feeling completely worn out and now it a hurry to get clean up and dressed.
We get to the house only to find muddy pants in the washer, mud on the bathroom floor, water all over the floor, clothes scattered, wet footprints throughout the house, a whole bottle of soap dumped into the tub. That (all of that) was my last was my last straw.
Thats it! I had had it! I try so hard to clean up and improve and make our home nice and while I'm away working, I come home to this. And I just started crying. I just wanted to give up and not try and I didn't want to get ready for church and hurry, hurry, and have to fake it because I definitely wasn't making it.
I said a prayer, out loud. I talk to the Lord this way and say, "Ok, Lord, what now. I give up."
I opened the lesson I was suppose to prepare for that day. And it was a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf entitled, "Forget me Not." And the first petal of the flower out of five is: "Forget not to be patient with yourself. I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect."(You got that right, I said in my head)
"Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths,but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect,2<https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng#note2> and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.
Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.
In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.
For example, insisting that you have a picture-perfect family home evening each week—even though doing so makes you and everyone around you miserable—may not be the best choice. Instead, ask yourself, “What could we do as a family that would be enjoyable and spiritual and bring us closer together?” That family home evening—though it may be modest in scope and execution—may have far more positive long-term results.
Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey."
And that's what I was doing. Comparing my lack of "making it" to those that seemed like they have it all together. Or comparing my small house to those whose houses are more clean or more grand. And I wasn't finding joy in the small achievements that I had made.
I had some more thoughts that would help. (the Holy Ghost gives customized answers. Just for you)
1. Get to bed early. At least by 10. (I had been getting to bed late because I needed to wind down after such and exhausting day of being behind. I needed to let some things go and just go to bed.)
2. Stay off social media, at least for a while. 10 minutes once a week (Sometimes when I get on social media I find myself comparing and seeing how lacking I am. How I'm not pretty and my teeth aren't nice. And my house will never look like that. And look at her abs? How does she do that? My hair is going gray. I look so old. And on and on.... I also feel like I'm in a past friends fog, if that makes sense. I think about and even dream about (If I'm on social media at night) people I knew and what's going on in their lives. Its hard for me to shake that and focus on the here and now. Less is more in my case.
3. I found an article that would help with decluttering my house. (Another answer) Basically just setting times to work on it, so you make sure it gets done. Going thought EVERY SINGLE THING in your house and asking yourself the question, Donate, Keep, or Trash. I'm setting times this week.
4. Also set aside times to accomplish your dreams. SO those get done too. Then they become realities and not just dreams.
After having those thoughts, and writing them down, I felt much better. I had a plan of action. I had a bit of hope. I have four beautiful healthy children. I live in a scenic area with mountains. I had many sweet experiences with the kids on our farm. And many happy memories.
So Sunday morning of all days, I'm out trying to water the field we just planted. (Sunday is our watering day, the day we get water in our ditch and we are trying to figure our how to not do this on Sunday) We planted our field and then we put furrows in the field so the water can run down. We have gated pipe. So we open these gates and let the water flow down the field. We started digging our the dirt in each furrow, so the water will run down. This can be exhausting work. It doesn't seem to difficult, but after 30 or so furrows, it gets tiring. Meanwhile the kids are playing in the mud that we are creating and with the new puppy, Kippa. Kip for short. (That's what I wanted to call her, Glen's calling her Nippy or Nip)
The kids play in the mud awhile and then seem to disappear from the area while Glen and I do another 30 furrows and check to make sure water is flowing down each one. It is time to get ready for church now, and feeling completely worn out and now it a hurry to get clean up and dressed.
We get to the house only to find muddy pants in the washer, mud on the bathroom floor, water all over the floor, clothes scattered, wet footprints throughout the house, a whole bottle of soap dumped into the tub. That (all of that) was my last was my last straw.
Thats it! I had had it! I try so hard to clean up and improve and make our home nice and while I'm away working, I come home to this. And I just started crying. I just wanted to give up and not try and I didn't want to get ready for church and hurry, hurry, and have to fake it because I definitely wasn't making it.
I said a prayer, out loud. I talk to the Lord this way and say, "Ok, Lord, what now. I give up."
I opened the lesson I was suppose to prepare for that day. And it was a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf entitled, "Forget me Not." And the first petal of the flower out of five is: "Forget not to be patient with yourself. I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect."(You got that right, I said in my head)
"Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths,but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect,2<https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng#note2> and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.
Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.
In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.
For example, insisting that you have a picture-perfect family home evening each week—even though doing so makes you and everyone around you miserable—may not be the best choice. Instead, ask yourself, “What could we do as a family that would be enjoyable and spiritual and bring us closer together?” That family home evening—though it may be modest in scope and execution—may have far more positive long-term results.
Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey."
And that's what I was doing. Comparing my lack of "making it" to those that seemed like they have it all together. Or comparing my small house to those whose houses are more clean or more grand. And I wasn't finding joy in the small achievements that I had made.
I had some more thoughts that would help. (the Holy Ghost gives customized answers. Just for you)
1. Get to bed early. At least by 10. (I had been getting to bed late because I needed to wind down after such and exhausting day of being behind. I needed to let some things go and just go to bed.)
2. Stay off social media, at least for a while. 10 minutes once a week (Sometimes when I get on social media I find myself comparing and seeing how lacking I am. How I'm not pretty and my teeth aren't nice. And my house will never look like that. And look at her abs? How does she do that? My hair is going gray. I look so old. And on and on.... I also feel like I'm in a past friends fog, if that makes sense. I think about and even dream about (If I'm on social media at night) people I knew and what's going on in their lives. Its hard for me to shake that and focus on the here and now. Less is more in my case.
3. I found an article that would help with decluttering my house. (Another answer) Basically just setting times to work on it, so you make sure it gets done. Going thought EVERY SINGLE THING in your house and asking yourself the question, Donate, Keep, or Trash. I'm setting times this week.
4. Also set aside times to accomplish your dreams. SO those get done too. Then they become realities and not just dreams.
After having those thoughts, and writing them down, I felt much better. I had a plan of action. I had a bit of hope. I have four beautiful healthy children. I live in a scenic area with mountains. I had many sweet experiences with the kids on our farm. And many happy memories.
Love this! Thanks Mary! I often have tell my inner gremlins to go away. Thanks for the insight into your home.
ReplyDeleteWay to share your guts Mary! Thank you. I too struggle with facebook at times - mostly for me it's a big distraction and I can waste a lot of time on it.
ReplyDeleteI love how you found just the right words from President Uchtdorf to teach you what you needed in that moment. I love how our Heavenly Father is so aware of us to the smallest detail.
I am thankful that all of my daughters seem to have a better grasp on managing their bodies than I ever did for so many years. I'm afraid that my worrying so much about weight and appearance was a poor example. I've been learning to appreciate and accept more my body for all of its strengths. I wish I had set a better example earlier.
You have so many, many pluses with your body, Mary. You are a beautiful woman!