Some Thoughts That You All Shared With Me That I Wanted To Share

Thoughts from the Family

Here are some good insights from members of the family that have been married for some time. Many are written in letter form because they were written to me. Keep in mind that these are opinions and it may be a little different from your own. However, they have stupendous opinions so look to see what you can apply to be even better. I have some other thoughts from talks and stuff by I think it would be better if I sent those in a word document or something. Anyway a few for now.

A successful marriage is something that comes with consistent nourishment. Quality time, service and other acts of love are important. Selflessness is essential. Things that I've tried to practice in my marriage are don't keep score. It not a competition on who did the dishes last of how many times you make the bed or change the diaper. Or if you make the most money.  Also when issues come up that are differences, I try to remember we are on the same team.
Go on weekly dates. I read in an ensign issue, "A weekly date and babysitter is cheaper than divorce." Investing in marriage is worth it. Dates don't have to be expensive. But I think they should be planned and often a babysitter is needed. Remember your covenants. When the time have got really tough I have literally held on to my covenants. Knowing that if I could work hard through this time or endure, we could be an eternal family

Love you

Linda Lee

In marriage it is easy to disagree about things. Neither of you have the same background. You are two different sexes. What each of you value and care about varies immensely. Even if you have the same religious values, similar financial habits, comparable diet and exercise goals, and equivalent scheduling and time use, there will still be things, upon which you will disagree. Sometimes the disagreement is as simple as the correct way to cut an orange, and other times it is as complex as the best way to discipline a child. Let me be clear: disagreement is fine. In fact disagreement is agreeable. True, you do not want to disagree about everything. You need to be unified in most things, but disagreements can bring unity and elevate both individuals if handled correctly. If you think about disagreements in a positive way then you are on your way to grow and learn together.

I would say the first step to resolving disagreements is to have a plan ahead of time. This might be having a policy like 'We always support the high road'. Not always is this clear so this could be a disagreement in and of itself. At least this pre-disagreement decision will help each of the individuals realize that he or she needs to focus on what is important. I think that is the key. Ask yourself, "How important is this thing?" "Is it worth talking through?" "Is this two different goods or is there a better and a best?

The next thing to consider is whether or not you really understand where the other is coming from. Put yourself in their shoes. Put on their glasses. Wear their hat if it helps, but don't assume that you already know where they are coming from. Repeat back to your spouse what you think their concern is. Let them know that you want to understand them and that you do understand them. This will allow both individuals to grasp what the disagreement actually is. Sometimes there might not really be a disagreement just a miscommunication. 

Third put off your pride. You would think that it might not be necessary to talk about pride, but it is easy to hold on to a little pride. One thing that I have a lot of pride in is my family. I think my family is the best. Some of the ways we did things growing up were the best. This may be true for the family you grew up in, but it may not be true for the family you are creating. Let go of your pride and create a new best with your spouse for the family you will create.

Resolve the disagreements in the right setting. Is either person tired or hungry? Is it noisy or are there distractions? Is one spouse overly stressed about something? There might be things not even related to the disagreement that can negatively impact resolving it. Each spouse should feel calm and relaxed. Go for comfort. Don't sit across from each other. It can become too confrontational. Try cuddling or washing dishes together. Go out to eat. Find a time where each person can express themselves freely and openly. 

Lastly, at least for this email, always treat your spouse with respect and love. It can be easy to bring up other things that bother you mid-disagreement, don't do it. It won't give you an upper hand. It will just hurt the other persons feelings. No matter how important the disagreement is, your spouse is more important.

                        Joseph Erickson

Alright Johnny boy,

Here are some of my thoughts about spouse's working together in marriage. 

Put the Lord first. The Lord is part of your marriage through the sealing ordinance. He has a vested interest in your family and your endeavors. If you put the Lord first, everything else will work out. You want to work together with the Lord.  

Have open, honest, uplifting communication. It's much easier to work together when you talk about your goals, what's important to you, why it's important, what's best for the family and all that good stuff without any accusing or pouting.

  

Pray together. When you involve the Lord in your decision making process, you have an added measure of the spirit. President Ezra Taft Benson was the US Secretary of Agriculture and he would open his adviser meetings with prayer. In talking about this practice one of them said, "Well, I'd say that when you start a meeting that way, people aren't stuck up with the pride of their opinions. You pretty quickly come to an agreement as to what ought to be done in any situation." 

Speaking of pride, don't be prideful. Be open to the ideas of your spouse, sometimes your idea is not the best idea. I know this is tricky because if you knew your idea wasn't the best idea you would change it so it was the best idea, so obviously your idea is the best idea. 

Take an active interest in what your spouse cares about. I feel like this really helps you get into their head and walk a mile in their shoes. (i.e. If your husband likes hunting, you might want to consider going on a hunting trip. Or if your wife really wants to reupholster the rocking chair, go to the fabric store with her or at least make it possible for her to go.) When you show that what's a big deal to them is important to you it helps to increase unity and oneness.  

Give lots of hugs. 

                                    Eliza Erickson

Know each others likes and dislikes, be honest here. 

ex.  Scott never scrubs the bathrooms, but washes dishes and sweeps no problem.

ex.  I never put oil in the car. But I always do scrub the toilets.

ex. Scott doesn't like to watch chick flicks with me.

ex.  I don't like to watch hours and hours of football with Scott.

Have clear expectations.

I think before you get married and several times throughout marriage you have to re define your expectations for life.

Ex.  I would like to have family home evening, and I would like the Husband to be in charge.

Ex.  I would like you to help me put kids to bed

Ex.  I would like it if in our home we didn't watch R rated movies.  

Ex.  I expect you to help with diapers.

Ex.  Husband expects wife to cook.  

Ex.  I expect you to call me when you are coming home.

Then you can go from there.  Spouses cant live up to expectations they don't know about.  Neither is it fair to place an expectation like I expect you to help me with diapers, but never verbally say it.

Lots of time couples are fuming about expectations they haven't ever communicated about.

No keeping Score!

I did this and this and this and this and this and this.  And so it is his turn to do this.  Look how much more I do than him!

Are you kidding?!!  I do this and this and this and this and this.  Look at how much more I do than her!

Each of you have to give 100% and that 100% may look different to each person.  NO one has the same perspective.  So you have to trust that your 100% is enough.  And your spouses 100% may look different. But it needs to be enough too.

Pray together

In my opinion there are two types of marriages.  Teams, and Complimentary.

Team marriages do everything together.  They plan and execute family vacations together.  Paint rooms together.  Cook anniversary dinner together.  Start family business together.  They are huge planners and executors.

Complimentary

Are two overlapping Circles.  They meet on somethings, but not on everything. And they are happier when they don't have to do everything together.  One may plan the vacation, pack the car, get the food.  The other might drive, or perhaps they take turns driving but the other one made sure the oil was changed and the tires pumped up. 

Or perhaps one does everything to go on the vacation, but the other one is super fun along the way and keeps the kids laughing and playing nicely together etc.

Complimentary don't plan together often.  They have common goals, but they both do their own thing to reach those goals.

With Mom and Dad, I think Dad would like to be a team.  But mom is more hardwired complimentary.  She tries to be a team player, but often times would just be happier letting dad do his thing and she could do hers.  

So if we were going to text book it there would be two types of people, and 4 marriages

Team, Team

Team, Complimentary

Complementary, Team

Complimentary, Complimentary.

I love team marriages, where both people are team.  I can't think of any in our family, maybe Joseph and Eliza?  

But there are some team marriages in Scott's family and boy do they seem to be able to conquer the world.

Scott and are are 

Complimentary, Complimentary. 

I have team tendencies because I am a daughter of Dad.  But really we work independently toward a unified common goal.

So depending on what kind of people you are will effect what kind of marriage you have.  And it's good to know that marriages can look different and still be super successful.

                       

Nicolina Tanner