Some Introspection School Style

These are some thoughts I recently wrote for a school assignment.  I want to share them with you.  I told Jared that I wish I had known some of the things I've been learning in school earlier in my life, earlier in my journey as a wife and mother.  I told him I would be a much better mother today if I did.  He replied very wisely.  In effect he said, "It's in the process that we become better.  I would be a much better missionary today than when I was on my mission.  Learning how to be a missionary while being a missionary was the growing process."  (Maybe he'll comment and clarify his exact thoughts.) 

Talking to another one of our children she said "I expect my kids to have some damage from how I'm raising them.  It's just part of the process."  

So while I deeply apologize for any damage done to my children, I know I was learning.  I know I was being taught "on the job" and I'm grateful for all of your patience and forgiveness.  I know you all turned out very well in spite of your mother.  I can offer now that I'm better than I've ever been and will keep striving to do all I can to show you my love.

And now the school thoughts -

My Mother and Father

            Father - My father was the oldest of three sons.  His parents relied heavily upon him to be responsible, work hard and set a proper example.  My dad is generally concerned about appearances to others, maybe due to that position in his family.  He excelled at football, as the quarterback, and loves to re-live those glory days.  The sense of being a star feels important to him.  My father spent most of his career as a life insurance salesman.  He was always very social and this personality trait fit well with that profession.  We often hosted ward parties, family reunions, team dinners, etc. at our home.  I’m naturally extroverted so that social example was one I also have incorporated in my adult life and marriage

My father continually looked for side jobs or investments, wanting to claim that brass ring; that one big sale that would solve all problems.  This attitude, unfortunately, led to poor financial choices often straining our living circumstances and my parents’ marriage.  This impacts me in the way that I yearn for financial security and complete openness about financial matters.

            My father is extremely patriotic. He served in the Air Force for two years.  I feel a deep love for my country, and a concern to be aware of politics because of his example.       

My father also served a full-time mission.  His gospel commitment deepened because of serving.  Gospel practices were important in our home.  We attended church faithfully.  I often heard my father say, “I sustain the brethren”. 

He was a strict disciplinarian.  I think he sometimes cared more how he looked as a father than how much I was learning.   But his strictness did often help me to stay on track.  As a mother I have sometimes been too strict, too judgmental, too oriented towards justice instead of mercy, just like my father.  Thankfully, my husband tempers that side of me.

Mother - My mother had one older brother.  She was treasured and maybe spoiled a little by her parents.  Her parents encouraged her learning.  She always had a curious mind.  I know my love of learning and discovering comes from my mother.   She loved to read and took us to the library often.  I love to read too.   Libraries are one of my favorite places because of her.  My children and grandchildren now also love libraries and reading.  It’s a powerful legacy.

She graduated from BYU at age 21, two days before getting married.  I will soon be graduating, 40 years after being married, inspired by her encouragement throughout my life.

She wasn’t expected to do many chores in her growing up home, or learn to cook, but to excel in education and other activities.  I think because of this she wasn’t a very good housekeeper.  She worked at it though.  She became a good cook, often trying new recipes. 

She loved to create.  She painted.  She sewed.  She sculpted, built, gardened, and designed.  She often said that we could learn how to do anything if we wanted it, studied about it, and worked for it.  This attitude has helped me with my own life and with my children.  I think because of her very active and creative mind, she was often absent-minded.  She didn’t always follow through enough to complete a project before starting another one.  I often do this too.

She loved being a mother, and later a grandmother.  Her devotion to her children, when she could have had other careers, has blessed me to also prioritize my children.  Tragically, she was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 57 and most of my children have very few memories of my mother. 

Parents’ Relationship

My parents were opposites in many ways.  My mother much more spontaneous and free-spirited.  My father although outwardly sociable with his work and ward, at home was much more stern and withdrawn. 

I rarely saw my parents express affection, but when they did, it made me happy.  I was oblivious to some of the more serious undertones of the tensions in their relationship. I think that’s a protective thing for children.  However my sister just two years older than me occasionally worried that my parents might divorce. 

Now with an adult perspective I can see that my dad was really insecure and portrayed an aura of strength by bullying his wife and children.  I think he was not abusive in any way.  But unapproachable and unyielding.  My mother would often disagree with his discipline, his financial choices and other issues, yet he would rarely listen to her advice or opinion.  So frequently, my mother would go behind his back to soften the punishments or take a course of direction in her personal life that he may not agree with.

They often went out with my father’s clients.  But they didn’t really share many interests other than their children. 

I read later in my mother’s journal that she was working to develop pure love, or charity, for my father.  I believe she reached a point of loving him despite his negativity and that it helped him to become a better man.  After she died, he remarried three times, each marriage lasting only a little more than five years before a divorce.  I think he felt he was a great husband because that is what my mom helped him feel.  But his three ex-wives hadn’t gone through the process my mother did to learn to love him in a Christ-like way.

Overall childhood/teen years

 I had many happy moments as a child.  We often traveled as a family.  I’m the middle of seven children.  My dad was always pleasant on these trips and we felt family unity.  We lived about an hour away from both sets of grandparents.  I have many happy memories with them too.

I think my place in the birth order allowed me to not be the focus of too much attention.  Not until I was a teen, and the oldest at home did my father and I really have conflicts.

As a teen I struggled with many of the typical teen insecurities.  I sometimes confided my worries to my mother, but never sought my dad’s advice unless it was academically or job related.

I grew up in a great ward and felt the support of teachers and leaders.  I felt great strength and encouragement from my siblings.

Positive Areas 

My parents were consistent with family dinners, family home evenings, and family prayer.  They attended the temple frequently.  I believe because they honored their covenants, despite the dysfunction in their relationship, that God filled the gaps.  All of my siblings are devoted to the gospel.

My parents didn’t give up on each other or on us children.  They evolved in their growth and spiritual development too.  I saw changes after I left home and beyond.  Most of their trials brought them closer together and closer to the Lord.

What You Would Do Differently and How to Change

            As mentioned, I’ve been married 40 years.  We only have one child still at home, our 15 year old son.  I’d like to think that my husband and I took the best of both our upbringings and combined it into a new and improved family pattern.  We certainly have disagreed on things.  We are still learning. 

            My husband is a much different father than the father I had.  My husband is much more aware, more hands-on, and more attentive.  We have definitely broken some bad patterns through the years, but some took many years to change.  We’ve never given up on each other either.  We know that in the final realm all of our dysfunctions, disappointments and deficiencies will be swallowed up in the victory of Christ.  Our job now is to keep on that covenant path, as President Nelson has taught, and work towards family exaltation.

My dream

            I think I’ve lived my dream.  Certainly there is much living left, so it’s not over yet.  Also we’ve experienced our share of downs with the ups, but overall, we’ve had a very blessed life.  Going forward, all our children still need attention and parental wisdom at times.  Our grandchildren need us too.  We are living evidence of what Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught about how even if families struggle, but they have charity, they will succeed.