When You Love Someone
Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed - Dale Carnegie
So I have a lot to say and I am not quite sure how to say it so let me just start. One of my strongest weaknesses (if that is a thing 😆) is that I am brutally honest when I finally open up to people. It is times like these that I am grateful that God blessed me with the type of personality that I have.
So here's me being vulnerable about what some of us are too afraid say. At least what I have been too afraid to say.
(P.s. all of these quotes are some of my favorite all time. I have them saved on my phone.)
(P.s. all of these quotes are some of my favorite all time. I have them saved on my phone.)
Trials and Troubles.
You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water - Rabindranath Tagore
There is a quote by President Eyring that comes to mind and I think is totally applicable to beginning what I want to say.
"'Hal, when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.' Not only was he right, but I have learned over the years that he was too low in his estimate."
What amazes me about this quote is I know for a fact that it is applicable to our family. Yet by show of hands, how many people feel that they have the ability, the safety, and the security to be 100% vulnerable with the general family population?? Tragically, I can't see your hands. But if I could, I would bet money that the answer is close to zero.
WHY?
Why should we feel like we can't share our most personal stories around our family? Shouldn't the family be a place where we are allowed to share anything that we so desire without the feeling like we are going to be judged? Shouldn't we be able to feel like our family are the ones that will have our back the most?
I feel like the reason we do not feel like we can be vulnerable is because there are very few deep, secure relationships in our family.
Having a deep, secure relationship with anyone is actually developed by the person that you are trying to develop the relationship with. When you reach out to the person to whom you are trying to get close to, are they:
Accessible/Attentive
Responsive and
Engaged
in the act of you trying to connect with them?
What that means, is when I call or text or connect with someone, are they accessible and attentive to my needs and vulnerability or is it hard to access them? Are they responsive to what I am saying when I do talk to them or do I feel like they don't care? Are they engaged in my problems and concerns or do I feel like they can't be trusted?
If the person reaching out can find consistent positives in each of these three areas to the person they are reaching out to, then they will feel like they can create a deep, emotional, secure relationship. And visa versa.
"'Hal, when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.' Not only was he right, but I have learned over the years that he was too low in his estimate."
What amazes me about this quote is I know for a fact that it is applicable to our family. Yet by show of hands, how many people feel that they have the ability, the safety, and the security to be 100% vulnerable with the general family population?? Tragically, I can't see your hands. But if I could, I would bet money that the answer is close to zero.
WHY?
Why should we feel like we can't share our most personal stories around our family? Shouldn't the family be a place where we are allowed to share anything that we so desire without the feeling like we are going to be judged? Shouldn't we be able to feel like our family are the ones that will have our back the most?
I feel like the reason we do not feel like we can be vulnerable is because there are very few deep, secure relationships in our family.
What is a Secure Relationship?
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. - Thomas Edison
Accessible/Attentive
Responsive and
Engaged
in the act of you trying to connect with them?
What that means, is when I call or text or connect with someone, are they accessible and attentive to my needs and vulnerability or is it hard to access them? Are they responsive to what I am saying when I do talk to them or do I feel like they don't care? Are they engaged in my problems and concerns or do I feel like they can't be trusted?
If the person reaching out can find consistent positives in each of these three areas to the person they are reaching out to, then they will feel like they can create a deep, emotional, secure relationship. And visa versa.
Problems with the WhatsApp.
It is never too late to be what you might have been - George Eliot.
This is why I left the WhatsApp. I don't know if you all noticed or not. It is NOT because I hate any of you or because I don't want to be an integral part of this family. It is because I do!
There were many many times that I would post on the WhatsApp and not one person would respond back. In fact, usually soon after I would post something, someone else would just post something else and the conversation would go in the other direction without anyone ever commenting on my life update or on something cool that happened to me.
I found myself comparing how people reacted to everyone else's post and how people reacted to mine. I fell into a state of constant comparison
The thing about the WhatsApp is that it accomplishes the purpose of keeping us shallowly connected without ever really feeling like we are deeply connected. It really is just like a social media app for the family. The thing about social media is that it was never meant to allow anyone to connect deeply to one another, but rather just a way for people with deep connections to remain connected over long distances. This becomes the problem with WhatsApp.
What is more is that people never share what they actually feel or what their problems actually are over social media. So like, for example, Heather might be feeling so many hard things with her recent surgery, but rather than open up, share pictures of Mark instead.
My junior year, same story. Met a girl at a dance, became good friends with her, and once again felt like if I could just be validated, if I could just have a deep connection, then I would finally be worth something. It would be evidence that I was worth loving.
Something you have to understand is the lack of love that I felt entirely back then. No one in our family would tell me that they loved me hardly. That is just not something we, as Ericksons, used to be bad at doing--vocalizing our love.
I also didn't have any friends in high school. I had a couple of Mormon kids that I hung out with, but they would talk bad about me behind my back a lot and make fun of me when they were with me. I didn't have deep connection with anyone.
Finally my senior year (after getting my heart broken again by the junior year girl) I made a true friend in Michael Hardy. He was the first person that I felt I truly made a deep connection with. I will always be grateful for him.
Now on my mission I got a little bit more perspective. High school problems are never quite as big after you get through them. In fact, most of the time high school looks pretty stupid when you look back at it.
On my mission, I made a lot of deep connections with people. I learned to love and be loved deeply by friends who embraced me for who I was and told me so. I have never felt so at home.
Since being home, I have gone on hundreds and hundreds of dates (I used to keep track and then I lost count). I thought that I was going to marry this girl named Carly, I have gone steady with 3 girls, I have kissed 6 girls, and I still am single.
But overall, I have made deep connections with many many friends and people since being home.
More importantly, I know what I want to do with my life, and I am currently in a major that gives me the wings and the capability and the direction to fulfill my dreams.
I have never been so fulfilled. I have never been so happy. I am still single.
Those are the things that you would never see if you didn't take the time to get to know me.
THOSE ARE THE THINGS WE MISS OUT WITH EACH MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!
There were many many times that I would post on the WhatsApp and not one person would respond back. In fact, usually soon after I would post something, someone else would just post something else and the conversation would go in the other direction without anyone ever commenting on my life update or on something cool that happened to me.
I found myself comparing how people reacted to everyone else's post and how people reacted to mine. I fell into a state of constant comparison
The thing about the WhatsApp is that it accomplishes the purpose of keeping us shallowly connected without ever really feeling like we are deeply connected. It really is just like a social media app for the family. The thing about social media is that it was never meant to allow anyone to connect deeply to one another, but rather just a way for people with deep connections to remain connected over long distances. This becomes the problem with WhatsApp.
What is more is that people never share what they actually feel or what their problems actually are over social media. So like, for example, Heather might be feeling so many hard things with her recent surgery, but rather than open up, share pictures of Mark instead.
False Sense of Connection
Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage, and our personal progress should be yet another way we witness to the wonder of it all! - Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Does anyone know what I dream about at night?
Does anyone know what Mary's favorite color is?
What is James's favorite food?
What keeps Linda Lee going through all of the craziness?
(On that note, I don't think Linda Lee gets enough credit for how amazing she is. #wonderwomen)
What we've done in only using the WhatsApp is we check the WhatsApp and then we feel like we can check connections off the list. Check--I know what is happening in Joseph's life. Check--I know that Heather had surgery and that it was wildly successful. Check--I know that Bennett is the size of a small tank
In saying all of this, I know that I personally am BEYOND imperfect in connecting to people in my family. That is something I really admire in Joseph. He is really good at connecting to people in the family and letting them know what is going on in his life as well as sincerely asking what is going on in other family member's lives.
I feel like there are probably others of you as well that are still really good at keeping up with some people, but it has to a group effort. How many of you can say that you have best friends who are also family members?? If all of you feel that way, then let me on the boat because I want to feel what that feels like.
Let's STOP finding out what we think is going on in everyone else's life, and START finding our what is actually going on with people! We ask consistently about what we are all doing, but do we ever ask people if they are happy? Do we ever ask if people need anything and then persist until they give us something we can do for them?
Personal Story
Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds - President Gordon B. Hinckley
I don't know how many of you are actually still reading this. I don't know if any of you even feel the same as me about all of this. I could be the only one (with Heather as well because we've talked about it) who feels this way.
But let me tell you a personal story that drives this point home. It is kinda long, but I think someday it will have a really good ending!
But let me tell you a personal story that drives this point home. It is kinda long, but I think someday it will have a really good ending!
When I was 14, I had a huge crush on this girl named Emmy. I think I have always been a hopeless romantic, and have always wanted to form deep connections (especially romantic ones) throughout my whole life.
I didn't have a ton of self confidence and (while avoiding consequence from Mom 😆) felt like if I could "date" this girl (not seriously, but like we would basically be together) then I would have some worth and some validation amongst my peers and more importantly to me back then, amongst my brothers.
Well she was so so kind to me. We became really really good friends, and eventually (tragically) stopped talking almost entirely after I told her that I liked her. It hurt a lot for me back then.
I didn't have a ton of self confidence and (while avoiding consequence from Mom 😆) felt like if I could "date" this girl (not seriously, but like we would basically be together) then I would have some worth and some validation amongst my peers and more importantly to me back then, amongst my brothers.
Well she was so so kind to me. We became really really good friends, and eventually (tragically) stopped talking almost entirely after I told her that I liked her. It hurt a lot for me back then.
My junior year, same story. Met a girl at a dance, became good friends with her, and once again felt like if I could just be validated, if I could just have a deep connection, then I would finally be worth something. It would be evidence that I was worth loving.
Something you have to understand is the lack of love that I felt entirely back then. No one in our family would tell me that they loved me hardly. That is just not something we, as Ericksons, used to be bad at doing--vocalizing our love.
I also didn't have any friends in high school. I had a couple of Mormon kids that I hung out with, but they would talk bad about me behind my back a lot and make fun of me when they were with me. I didn't have deep connection with anyone.
Finally my senior year (after getting my heart broken again by the junior year girl) I made a true friend in Michael Hardy. He was the first person that I felt I truly made a deep connection with. I will always be grateful for him.
Now on my mission I got a little bit more perspective. High school problems are never quite as big after you get through them. In fact, most of the time high school looks pretty stupid when you look back at it.
On my mission, I made a lot of deep connections with people. I learned to love and be loved deeply by friends who embraced me for who I was and told me so. I have never felt so at home.
Since being home, I have gone on hundreds and hundreds of dates (I used to keep track and then I lost count). I thought that I was going to marry this girl named Carly, I have gone steady with 3 girls, I have kissed 6 girls, and I still am single.
But overall, I have made deep connections with many many friends and people since being home.
More importantly, I know what I want to do with my life, and I am currently in a major that gives me the wings and the capability and the direction to fulfill my dreams.
I have never been so fulfilled. I have never been so happy. I am still single.
Those are the things that you would never see if you didn't take the time to get to know me.
THOSE ARE THE THINGS WE MISS OUT WITH EACH MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!
There are so many stories out there. So many dreams. So many desires. So many hurts. So so so many needs.
Sometimes it feels like a chore to connect deep to the family. Often I don't even care. But I want to! I want to connect. I want to be best friends and confidants to everyone in the family who wants to. And why not? It's part of what family is for!!
Summary
We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment - Jim Rohn
I don't know what the solution is. I'm sure it involves connecting with everyone in the way that they best feel like they can connect deeply. It also involves people making an effort and being willing to be hurt a little. It is going to involve something else besides the WhatsApp. It is going to involve each one of us sharing our strengths and connecting through those strength based avenues.
If we want to be able to share, to be vulnerable, to be open, and to feel deeply connected, it has to come outside the WhatsApp, it has to come from being Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged, and it has to come because we are willing to work at it.
Most people when they talk to me, often the only thing they will ask me is why I'm not married yet or who I am dating. The real answer is, "I don't know why exactly, but what I do know is that I am so much more than the sum of my dating life. I know that I am going to find someone someday who will blow the minds of everyone around me, including me!"
***When you love someone, you are willing to change bad habits, to work at the relationship, to never give up until the end, to never assume the worst, to always let them know that you care.***
I implore all of us to connect to each other deeper. To not just ask the easy questions (what are your classes like? who are you dating?--even though these questions can be a start), but rather to ask the hard ball questions. Are you happy? What do you want out of life? What are your biggest fears? What are your hopes? What are your insecurities? What are your dreams?
I know that if we can do this, we will all be happier in our family.
I LOVE YOU ALL
Your little bro, (uncle, godfather, older brother, and friend)
Most people when they talk to me, often the only thing they will ask me is why I'm not married yet or who I am dating. The real answer is, "I don't know why exactly, but what I do know is that I am so much more than the sum of my dating life. I know that I am going to find someone someday who will blow the minds of everyone around me, including me!"
***When you love someone, you are willing to change bad habits, to work at the relationship, to never give up until the end, to never assume the worst, to always let them know that you care.***
I implore all of us to connect to each other deeper. To not just ask the easy questions (what are your classes like? who are you dating?--even though these questions can be a start), but rather to ask the hard ball questions. Are you happy? What do you want out of life? What are your biggest fears? What are your hopes? What are your insecurities? What are your dreams?
I know that if we can do this, we will all be happier in our family.
I LOVE YOU ALL
Your little bro, (uncle, godfather, older brother, and friend)
Jared
Jared thank you for being open about your thoughts and feelings regarding our family relationships. I am not sure where everyone is at with their relationships with their siblings. I know I can develop a stronger and deeper friendship with you. Please call me and we can talk. I am available after work 2:20-3:20pm my time. Or most evenings. If other times work better for you let me know.
ReplyDeleteHi Jared! I love you! I want to reply to your amazing post (loved all your best loved quotes, by the way) and I want to think through my thoughts a little more, and probably read this post again, before I make a complete reply. But know how much I appreciate you sharing all of this and how much I love you!
ReplyDelete