Sheri Erickson
FAML 360 ~ 05
Karen Cummins
March 16, 2016
My
Family Crucible
Overview
of a Series of Stressor Events
In 1997, the home
business of selling lumber that my husband, Alan, was running, took some sharp
downturns. Instead of earning $7000 plus
each month, our income was reduced to about $2400, occasionally a little more,
but sometimes less. Along with this
decrease of income was the reduction of health insurance benefits and the
expense of premiums that we now had to pay which had previously been covered before
circumstances changed.
Our
tenth child was born on September 23, Esther, our fifth daughter. Our first child, a son, Mark, had only lived
5 hours after birth, so Esther was the ninth child for whom we had care on
earth. The health insurance covered the
majority of the expense of Esther’s delivery.
Esther had difficulties with her digestion that I didn’t have an
awareness of at the time. I thought she
was just colicky. She was very fussy and
my sleep was sorely lacking. Financial
fears added to feelings of frequent fatigue.
Plus I think I suffered some postpartum depression different than with
previous babies. I attributed my mood
swings and discouragement to the lack of sleep, but later I realized that it
was more; it was likely imbalanced hormones.
We
knew Christmas that year would be lean.
I tried to think of the good blessings we had, but felt a little
frustrated at the lack of what we could give for Christmas. We lived long distance from any extended
family and could not afford to visit, nor was anyone coming to see us. We were soon overcome with an abundance of
giving from our ward. My feelings were
mixed between humble gratitude and the pride of not wanting to be seen as a
charity case.
About
three weeks after Christmas our two oldest high school daughters were in a car
accident. They had slid on a snowy road
and hit a tree. Our oldest, Chrystal, 16
years old, was driving. Mary, 15, was a
passenger. Chrystal was able to walk
with a disoriented Mary (due to hitting her head on the dashboard) to a nearby
friend’s home. During the walk Chrystal sang to Mary, “Beautiful Savior” a
piece they had done as a duet as Primary girls. Chrystal’s head was also bleeding from hitting
the steering wheel. The neighbor called
an ambulance. My husband and I arrived
before the ambulance. My heart was
pierced when Chrystal lamented about the cost of the accident. She had felt some of the financial strain in
our home as well. I tried to reassure
her and focus the attention on their wellness and safety. We transported the girls to the hospital
ourselves, declining the use of an ambulance anxious about what the cost would
be. The cobra insurance we had been paying for had expired at the end of the
year. We now had catastrophic health
coverage with a very high deductible.
We were so grateful that
both girls checked out okay. Mary was
given an MRI. For Chrystal it was deemed
unnecessary. A few stitches and bruises
were all they ultimately suffered. Chrystal agonized past her recovery for the
loss of the car (it was totaled) and for her imagined negligence. Alan and I repeatedly assured Chrystal that
snow conditions are unavoidable. We
tried to avoid and help Chrystal avoid the “would have, should have” feelings. Again we felt great sympathy and attention
from our ward, and in a special way, the girl’s young women leaders and
seminary teacher made specific visits.
With
increased bills I started a little money making venture waking up very early to
make cinnamon rolls for businesses.
Esther would wake about 4 a.m. to nurse, then go to sleep and I would
stay up baking. Several of my customers
were ward members. Alan decided to start
a large greenhouse for which we already had the frame. A couple of ward members helped him to set up
the frame and put the plastic on. Alan
began many planter trays and also got some pots, calculating a handsome profit
by spring.
About
six weeks after the girls’ accident, Esther developed RSV and pneumonia. I thought she had an ear infection. Alan and I took her to an urgent care on a
Sunday evening. The doctor admitted
Esther to the hospital right away. I
just stayed too, she was a breast-feeding baby, my baby. We spent three nights in the hospital. Chrystal brought me clothes and other supplies
on the second day. Esther had oxygen and
antibiotics and rallied fairly well. The
three nights felt like three months. All
of my other activities had been completely suspended and Alan had the full
force of care for eight other children, which included two pre-school boys.
Warmer
weather and brighter hopes came as spring approached. Esther was gaining strength. One sunny afternoon Alan was out working in
the greenhouse with the four boys. The
plastic sides of the greenhouse were rolled up to cool the inside temperature a
little. A freak wind whooshed in and
lifted the greenhouse like a kite tumbling it over and over through our 1.5
acre yard. It was so sudden. Alan was completely caught off guard. The frame was seriously bent, the plastic
torn, a complete loss. The handmade
tables of pots and trays with their tiny seedlings were now precariously
exposed. Within a couple of days Alan
had sold all the plants to a local hardware store for about a tenth of what we
could have made, but thankfully, it was enough to cover most of the startup
costs.
In
April that year a tax bill came due that was unexpected. In our naiveté about home businesses we had
received incorrect information about how much withholding tax to reserve. It was much higher than we could pay and we
had to begin installment payments.
By
the end of the summer, we determined to prepare our house to sell and relocate
to where my husband’s parents lived in Wyoming.
In due course the sale of the home covered the debts we had and helped
us to get back on our feet financially.
Ultimately Alan found another job with a company in North Idaho and we
relocated again. We also had two more
children, a daughter who died in utero at 20 weeks, and our last a son. This overview covers only the nine months of
pileup stressor events.
Analysis of Life Cycle and Family
Typology
One of the first items to understand
is the stage of our family’s life cycle.
Nine children ranging in ages from newborn to 16 years old is an
extremely demanding phase. So we were
already in a highly stressed setting. The
decrease in income created prior strains before several financially distressing
events.
Out of the four family types
described I would assess our types as being 1) regenerative, 2) bonded, 3)
rhythmic and 4) traditionalistic. We had
a lower vulnerability level, but not as low as it could have been. 1) Regenerative: Our level of hardiness was
high before many of these events due to the fact that Alan was self-employed
and we felt a sense of independence and control as well as learning new
things. We also had a great family commitment
to living the gospel which brought meaning to our lives. We experienced other trials in our earlier
married years which brought us growth and understanding, so we knew we could
weather hardships. Our level of
coherence was also fairly high with loyalty and shared values. Our mutual acceptance was tested when the
business began to fail because I put the responsibility for providing for the
family squarely on Alan’s shoulders, and he sensed it.
2) Bonded: We did many things together, had good
connections, and many open discussions.
But our flexibility was more towards a lower end because my husband felt
the need to make most of the decisions and there was not very much compromise or
communication happening, nor was there much shift in responsibilities.
3) Rhythmic: We were very consistent with family prayer,
family scriptures, family home evening and attendance at church. Alan and I had regular dates each week. We often had family outings camping, hiking,
getting firewood, playing games, visiting friends and so forth. These activities were all well-established
before the stressor events and were continued throughout the many worrisome
happenings of several months.
4) Traditionalistic: Again I would cite the consistency with
gospel practices in our home, church attendance, Sabbath activities, fulfilling
callings, and family routines as very high.
Some celebratory behaviors were less than they could have been.
Application of Stress Models
The A of the stress model was
initially the decrease in income. Then
pileup stressor events of sicknesses and accidents built off of that.
B is for both resources and how they
are applied. When income was greater, we
could have saved more and had a greater reserve than we did have. We didn’t counsel with anyone about our situation. We may have been able to receive some career
direction. Our bishop and other ward
members were sensitive to our situation and gave support at Christmas and with
our side business ventures. Consistency
in gospel living and knowing how to work were resources we drew upon. Daily reading The Book of Mormon became my
lifeline to sanity and resilience, a very important resource. I could have sought medical help for my
postpartum depression had I not been so worried about additional medical
expenses. Some of it was unknown to me
and had I shared with someone, a doctor, or bishop, or trusted friend I might
have realized I needed healing help. But
instead I berated myself for being weak.
I pressured myself to be an ideal mother, and condemned myself often for
falling short. These thoughts lead to
the next element in the stress model.
The appraisal of the crises
represents C in the model. My thoughts
were all over the place. I blamed one of
the companies Alan sold for that cancelled their business which brought the
major reduction. I faulted Alan for the
mess we were in. Other times I had hope
and faith that all things would work together for our good. There were many unspoken expectations between
us as a couple. There were unspoken
fears in our children’s minds. As in the
incidence with the Christmas giving from our ward, I sometimes felt like a charity
case and a victim.
These
were distorted thoughts that fed my discouragement. My other distorted thoughts were that I was
unworthy, that I lacked ability. I know
Alan felt discouraged too, but he rarely shared his thoughts and fears. He tried to lessen the load by working harder
even in areas that brought no relief. I
often escaped with food. At times we
would rally with determination knowing that God loved us and would provide for
us as we kept trying.
Because we didn’t communicate very
openly with our children, we didn’t know all of their thoughts. I know Chrystal felt the weight of the car
accident. As the oldest she was already
very responsible for younger siblings and helping around the house and
yard. She seemed to be like her dad in
finding relief in working harder and talking less.
Problem Solving and Coping Skills
(PSC) were more evidenced as time went by.
We tried to think of things to improve our finances. We worked together as a family more
fervently. We held on to gospel living
more devotedly. We lacked the family
council methods of communicating openly and brainstorming which could have at
least helped the children’s fears to lessen, and at most brought other ideas
and inspiration to our course of action.
There was much avoidance practiced by myself and Alan. There was a vague sense that business would
get better, but when it didn’t we were forced to think of other alternatives. Elimination and assimilation began as we
realized more drastic actions would need to occur which resulted in the selling
of our home and seeking new employment.
Between stressor events there were
degrees of maladjustment and exhaustion before recycling to the next stressor
event. There were also times of
bonadaptation as we assimilated to a new norm.
The Total eXperience
The most significant positive
outcome of this time in our lives was that we hung on to each other and the
Lord. We learned that we can face tough
times together. We didn’t let this break
us apart as a family. Often at night I
would lay in bed thinking of where I could run away. Each morning I found the strength through
diligently reading The Book of Mormon, to stay.
I didn’t realize what a rod of iron that book truly was for me until we
moved. I was praying fervently and
expressing gratitude that I hadn’t run away and that God had held on to
me. The Holy Ghost spoke clearly to my
soul; “Because you were reading The Book of Mormon each day is why you were
able to stay.” That became one of life’s
most important lessons for me. I have
read each day since then. I know the
power of it.
We set an example for our
children. Although we could have
communicated more openly and pooled our family energy and resources better, all
of our now married children know that marriages and families can and do survive
severe trials.
We gained empathy for others who
struggle with ups and downs in employment.
We learned not to judge another’s situation and to be sensitive to offer
support.
Our testimony of tithing became an
everlasting law written in our hearts.
There were many miracles that kept us afloat that can be attributed to
no other thing than living this law.
Corollary to this is the counsel to live debt free. Once free, we determined never to be in that
situation again. The only debt we
incurred was a home, which we sold a few months ago. We live debt free now, preparing to buy
another home in the next year or so.
We learned to be more open in our
communication with each other and with our children. This is an area in which we daily make
efforts for improvement. As the life
cycle has changed and children have become more like peers, discerning
dialogues are more common.
It’s probably not possible to
delineate all the lessons learned that have impacted and are still influencing
our family in positive ways. As Elder
Neal A. Maxwell has said, “Patient endurance permits us to cling to our faith
in the Lord and our faith in His timing when we are being tossed about by the
surf of circumstance. Even when a seeming undertow grasps us, somehow, in the
tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised. Therefore,
true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the
soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z.”
(Maxwell, April 1990).
