Faith is trust in God above

*Spiritual thought I was going to share at the reunion 

There was no major signs of miscarriage before that 20 week ultra sound day when the ultra sound tech said, "There's no heartbeat."  I even remember sitting in the waiting room answering texts and reading a trivial magazine.  Ignorance was bliss.  But looking back, there was a couple of things I noticed.  Rhett's baptism happened about a week before.  Mom and Dad came.  I was busy preparing all day with last minute setup, program touch ups, and refreshments.  I didn't really eat all day and usually I would feel the need to eat, especially when pregnant.  Strange? Mom commented on how I looked good.  And I looked down at my own belly and analyzed it's shape and size.  "I feel smaller," I thought.

During the beginning of this pregnancy when I would feel small, I would wonder, Is the baby still growing? Is everything ok in there?  There was some anxious feelings and some deja vu experiences as I would go through the another phase of the pregnancy. 

One Sunday night, I woke up with a horrible feeling.  I was awake several hours of the night and when I did finally fall asleep, I thought that maybe I would feel better by morning.  But when morning came, there was still that disconcerting feeling that I couldn't seem to shake.   I wondered if there was something wrong with the baby.  So I did what I could do.  I prayed for comfort.  I called Glen who was out of town. I called the doctors office to see if I could get in for an appointment.  Not until Wednesday.  I texted a friend to see if she had a doppler I could borrow and tried to listen for the heart beat.  But the uncomfortable feeling was still there and I couldn't even focus on even daily tasks.  Finally toward evening, I decided to call a friend of ours to see if I could get a priesthood blessing.  He said he could come over later with his Dad.  I had explained to him a little of my situation on the phone.  When he came over he asked me again how he could best bless me.  I said, "I just feel like its out of my control and there's nothing I can do."  He responded, "What about faith?"  I paused and contemplated that.  I had forgotten about faith.  I had been living in a just in case mode-Don't get to may pregnancy clothes because you might not use them.  Don't get any baby stuff because you might just have to take it back.  Don't tell too many people because then you might have to go back and tell them differently later.  And so I thought, how can I live with faith and hope instead of fear and in a safe protective mode where I'm also afraid to act.  

In April of 2021, President Russell M. Nelson gave a talk entitled Christ Is Risen; Faith in Him Will Move Mountains.  He lists five ways that we can increase our faith.  1.) Study about Christ's mission and ministry.  Internalize the truth that the Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to you.  Learn about miracles and how they come by your having faith in the Lord.  2.) Choose to believe in Jesus Christ.  Take your questions to the Lord.  Stop increasing your doubts but allow the Lord to lead you on a spiritual journey. 3.) Act in faith.  What would you do if you had more faith?  Think about it.  Write about it.  Then act on it.  4.) Partake of sacred ordinances worthily.  These will unlock the power of God in your life.  5.) Ask your Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ for help.  Faith and revelation take work.  God knows what will help your faith grow.  Ask, and then ask again. 

After the miscarriage, I went to the temple.  I asked the Lord if he thought I should get pregnant again.  I listened.  The answer that I received was, "Not at this time."  I remember feeling all the feelings of doubt such as, What if I wait too long and can't have any more children?  What if having more children on earth  is not what's in store for me and my family is now complete? What if I can have more kids but what about the age gap?  Liam was already 3.  

Having faith doesn't mean you always understand.  Sometimes we can only see with our earthly eyes instead of our eternal eyes.  Faith means that you know the Lord is in control.  You know it will work out though you don't always know how.  

When President Nelson and Sister Nelson visited Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, and Tahiti, it had been raining for several days.  Members fasted and prayed that the rain would stop so their outdoor meetings would be without rain.  In Samoa, Fiji, and Tahiti, when the meetings were about to begin, the rain stopped.  But in Tonga, the rain did not stop.  The saints still came in ponchos and sat through the wet two-hour meeting.  They didn't stay home even though they knew the possibility may be being rained on the entire time.  President Nelson states that the mountains in our lives will not always move how or when we would like.  But if we have faith, it will propel us forward and increase our access to godly power.    

After my blessing, I looked for ways that I could live by faith and live life all in instead of timidly with an underlying feeling of fear.  I bought a few maternity clothes.  I picked out a few baby items that I would like to have.  I talked about the baby with the kids and how he was developing.  I told more people.  I planned on when I could announce it to the family.  I checked out books from the library to increase my knowledge for delivery and after.  I worked on eating healthily and exercising.  I relished in each new kick or movement inside me.  I took joy in each dr. appt when I could hear the heartbeat again.